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Fragile Ego, Fierce Predator: the Psychologically Violent Personality

18 Saturday Jan 2014

Posted by amylynnburch in Domestic Violence, Psychological Abuse

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

child abuse, crimes against children, diabolical personalities, double standards, harassment, selective attention, spousal abuse, trauma, victimization

~by Amy Lynn Burch

Published on January 18, 2014 @ 11:40pm EST

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” ~Maya Angelou

Emotional abusers never think they are. At least they never openly acknowledge that fact to anyone, not even themselves. Although emotional bullies may know it instinctively on a deeply intimate inner level, they predictably refuse to take an honest look at who they truly are and set about victimizing others for the purpose of personal validation and gratification. Hurting others isn’t merely entertaining for the emotional bully; it’s necessary to their very existence. Before you become wrapped around the axles, as it were, regarding my use of the word necessary let me clarify that necessary in this instance simply means “required behavior for the abuser to exist as such” and not “we need bullies in order to balance the universe” which is at the very least a ridiculous and nonsensical notion. Think of it in terms of the mythical vampire. Just as a vampire must drain life blood from their victims in order to exist, emotional bullies must drain their victim’s of energy, control, self-worth, autonomy, and personal validation in order to maintain dominant bully status. The word “boundary” isn’t in the bully vocabulary. Having a boundary is a foreign concept to the emotional abuser. They find the word offensive considering that having a boundary limits the activity of the abuser in terms of taking from their victims whatever they choose. Ahhh, there’s the rub!

An emotional bully is quite literally the definition of a pirate i.e. take everything of value, neither leave nor give anything in return. It isn’t so much that emotional bullies lack self worth as a motivation to drain their surroundings of any and all worth as it is that they tend to be the grandiose opposite of a selfless person with an inflated sense of importance and entitlement. In contrast, their carefully chosen prey unintentionally motivates the bully to obliterate those in his or her path who attempt to call them out and then stop them. Incredibly long sentence, I know, and accurate in description. Emotional abusers – bullies, if you will – work very, very hard at lying to everyone around them and to build a façade of narcissistic dominance, especially so to two persons in particular: first and foremost, their intended victims; and secondly, yet more importantly, themselves. Being of fragile ego, the emotional bully loathes him or herself as the case may be, to an inherently destructive degree which is what makes them such diabolically fierce predators.

As you continue to read you’ll notice that I use he/she and his/her interchangeably. The reason for this is simple. Although a large body of empirical data and professional writings regarding domestic violence and abusive behavior focuses largely on men as abusers and women as victims, the fact remains that not all victims are women and not all abusers are men. Women do, in fact, emotionally abuse others significantly so and very often their intended targets are their own children, spouses, and even friends whom they truly envy and wish to degrade thus the creation of the word “frenemy.” If your definition of abuser is synonymous with being male then I invite you to set aside that notion and consider that not all abusiveness follows traditional gender roles and most certainly is not limited to physical abuse. Neither is it relegated to overt methods of non-physical violence such as screaming, name calling, and verbal threats of possible physical violence in response to lack of compliance. Those forms of abuse are, indeed, reprehensible. However, there is a more insidious form of abuse that fails to leave physical marks which is often as elusive as vapor in terms of pinning it down that I contend is as much, if not more so in some ways, more deadly over time than some physical acts of violence: emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuses fall into this category. The abuse that leaves no tell-tale signs not only leaves the victim injured but also leaves the victim invalidated as the burden of proof rests entirely on their proverbial shoulders.  In reading this I hope that you gain insight into all of your relationships and not just the romantic ones. Truly, abusiveness can be found in the most unlikely of places leading us into even more abusive situations unless we learn to appropriately identify them wherever they might be found. Very many of them begin within a victim’s own family of origin with the abusive behaviors becoming normalized as accepted behavior.

To all of my readers regardless of age or gender it is my intention to offer you true hope and healthy guidelines in identifying then breaking fee of abusive relationships. The first step toward that end is in learning to appropriately identify them as such which is why I write on the subject so often. However, to my male readers in particular who find themselves in abusive relationships whether those relationships exist at work, at home, at church, or some combination thereof, I offer you this: there is hope and you are not alone. And to the abusers reading this article (because I know that many of you do for the specific purpose of gaining information to use against your victims) I say this: welcome to my spotlight of exposure. In case you’ve failed to notice, I’m something of an in-your-face advocate on behalf of the abused. I will not stay silent so that you can remain comfortable.

Emotional Terrorists 

Emotional bullies are abusers, ipso facto. Emotional bullies tend to be over-sensitized to their own feelings to the exclusion of others and also tend to confuse their wants for needs which they demand that others meet instantly and routinely or else. It is the “or else” threat which becomes the unseen knife in the hand of the emotional bully as waved in the face of the victim. To say that emotional bullies are impatient with their own discomfort is an understatement as they have no tolerance for not having their way at all times and very much at the expense of others. In that way, they are significantly infantile and emotionally immature. Like psychopaths – and many emotional bullies are, indeed, psychopathic – emotional bullies have malformed emotions often limited to proto-emotions which are nothing more than primitive responses to the most basic of human needs. As Dr. Robert Hare states in his groundbreaking book Without Conscience regarding the psychopathic personality,

“paint-by-numbers emotions are all that exist for this type of abuser in terms of recognizing emotions in others as well as feeling anything personally in terms of legitimate human emotion.”

Guilt for perceived wrongs committed and empathy for someone else’s pain are non-existent to the emotional abuser. To the emotional bully/abuser, the victim only exists as an extension of the abuser for the direct purpose of meeting his or her wants which are confused for needs.

Emotional bullies are master manipulators who are highly adept at wearing down the will of their victims through shame (how could you let me down like this/I need someone to stand beside me and not run in fear), goading (I guess you just don’t have what it takes to be my friend/business partner/lover, etc.), needling (if you’re too scared to “xyz” then I’ll find someone else), guilt-tripping (someone who cares about me would [fill in the blank]; you always let me down when I need you the most), charm (you’re such a brave person, I know you wouldn’t disappoint me like so-and-so), bribes (do this and I’ll buy you [fill-in-the-blank item]), and tactics of public humiliation (in a public setting, “Tim told everyone that I’m a bad wife…” *sniff* *sniff*).

Emotional bullies are highly adept at conditioning their prey to excuse away abusive behavior and force compliance with their own abusiveness. Emotional bullies – and at this point, let’s just call them what they are: abusers and emotional terrorists– are inherently deceitful people who are highly skilled at turning the tables, as it were, on their prey. I insist on calling the victim “prey” because that is how the abuser sees their victim(s). Destroy and consume is the ultimate goal for this type of abuser.

Emotional bullies refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing and instead project guilt onto others for not complying with their demands. An emotional abuser works very hard at manipulating the sensitivity and empathy of their intended victims as a means of making the abused feel responsible for the abusers infantile emotions. They refuse to move past their own primitive needs and wants, and routinely refuse to alter their desires while deliberately ignoring the very real needs of others. It is this behavior that makes emotional abusers exceptionally dangerous parents and intimate partners.

In the next six weeks I will breakdown for the reader the psychology of the emotional terrorist outlining specific tactics that they use against their targets, how they think, and the tools they use to gain control, their primary motivations, how they interact as parents and as intimate partners, and what their victims can do to stop the cycle of abuse. As always, I am here to answer questions and provide resources to those needing help.

Thank you for your readership. You are not alone.

~Amy

© Amy Lynn Burch 2014
All Rights Reserved
No part of this work or webpage or any of its contents may be reproduced, copied, modified or adapted, without the prior written consent of the author, unless otherwise indicated by the author for stand-alone materials.

January is National Stalking Awareness Month

10 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by amylynnburch in Uncategorized

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Tags

Domestic Violence, harassment, sexual assault, spousal abuse, Stalking

It has been a productive yet challenging week.  Even so, how did it get to be Thursday already?  I have decided to step away from the Steubenville debacle for this week due to other obligations and will return to that subject next week.

For this week, or what’s left of it, as well as the remainder of the month, I will be focusing on the crime of stalking and providing resources on the subject to my readers.  Today’s entry will be short and… well, I was going to write “sweet” but that would be inappropriate.  “Scary” would be a better word.

I will return to writing longer articles next week. For now, I give you the follow statics and facts regarding the stalker:

RECON STUDY OF STALKERS

• 2/3 of stalkers pursue their victims at least once per week, many daily, using more than one method.

• 78% of stalkers use more than one means of approach.

• Weapons are used to harm or threaten victims in 1 out of 5 cases.

• Almost 1/3 of stalkers have stalked before.

• Intimate partner stalkers frequently approach their targets, and their behaviors escalate quickly.

Reference:
Mohandie, K. (2006). The RECON Typology of Stalking: Reliability and Validity Based upon a Large Sample of North American Stalkers,” Journal of Forensic Sciences, 51, no. 1

If you or someone you know is being stalked or is in a potentially dangerous situation which could result in domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
1 (800) 799-SAFE or 1 (800) 799 – 7233

Human Trafficking: Shattered Innocence and Stolen Lives

02 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by amylynnburch in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

child abuse, Human trafficking, pornography, prostitution, Sex trafficking, Sexual exploitation, spousal abuse

*Part One of a four-part series

 ~by Amy Lynn Burch

Originally published on March 11, 2012 @ 8:42pm

Human trafficking is the intentional exploitation of another human being for profit and is the modern day version of slavery.  Trafficking in humans is a massive problem which transcends socioeconomic boundaries in virtually every community worldwide. According to Frank E. Loy, Undersecretary of State for Global Affairs, the ever increasing trend of modern day slavery commonly referred to as human trafficking began in the very early 1990’s and has escalated to nearly incalculable proportions. According to research, the majority of humans trafficked whether domestically or globally are children between the ages of seven and 17 with a disproportionate number of the victims being female.

Globally, human trafficking is an ever increasing problem, however; in the United States human trafficking has reached epidemic proportions.  Specifically, the sexual exploitation of women, children, and an unspecified number of men who are trafficked within the United States each year has rapidly outpaced other forms of criminality since 1997 with the United States ranked second only to Germany in the trade of “sexploitation”. According to The Polaris Project, the number of trafficking victims in the United States is largely unknown. Even so, hundreds of thousands of United States citizen minors are estimated to be at risk of commercial sexual exploitation.

Trafficking Defined

The term “human trafficking” is somewhat deceptive because it implies the movement of persons.  This is not necessarily the case.  Human trafficking is divided into two parts:  (1) sexual; and (2) labor. The international definition of human trafficking as respects sexual activity adopted by the United States Congress is:

“the recruitment, harboring, transportation, provision, or obtaining of a person for the purpose of a commercial sex act in which a commercial sex act is induced by force, fraud, or coercion, or in which the person forced to perform such an act is under the age of eighteen years old or: the recruitment, harboring, transportation, provision, or obtaining of a person for labor or services, through the use of force, fraud or coercion for the purpose of subjection to involuntary servitude, peonage, debt bondage, or slavery.” (VTVPA, 2000).

Unfortunately, in respect to the sexual element of trafficking, this definition does not include those persons over the age of 18 who are forced into sexual slavery.  The assumption of this definition is that those persons, primarily women, over the age of 18 that are involved in the sex trade are doing so by their own will. Sadly, in most cases this is not reality. Although it is true that children between the ages of seven and 13 years of age are the primary targets of sex traffickers, women between the ages of 21 to 50 are also targets for sexual traffickers at the global level.

Trafficking vs. Smuggling

In the past, law enforcement has used the terms “smuggling” and “trafficking” interchangeably but there are remarkable differences that are important to understand.

SMUGGLING 

  • is VOLUNTARY and usually involves illegally crossing a national border.
  • is ALWAYS international in nature.
  • ENDS after a border has been crossed.
  • is a crime against NATIONAL SOVEREIGNTY.
TRAFFICKING 
  • is NOT voluntary.
  • does NOT require physical movement of a person.
  • can and often DOES occur domestically.
  • involves the DELIBERATE exploitation of a person or persons.
  • is a VIOLATION of the 13th Amendment of the United States Constitution which ensures that all persons are free from involuntary servitude.

* SOURCE: Department of Defense. Trafficking In Persons (TIP).

Truth vs. Myth

Within the United States prostitution is the most common form of human trafficking and is unfortunately accepted by our society as non-combatable. The act of selling sex (prostitution) is an illegal act which is considered “deviant behavior” punishable in most states by fine or jail-time with the exception of Nevada.  What many do not understand is that the majority of those involved in prostitution do so against their will.  The statistics regarding prostitution and those involved by force are truly staggering.  The majority of participants are: children and young teens between the ages of seven and 13; have abusive backgrounds to include some 41% who have experienced an incestuous relationship with their father; are homeless and desperate for basic needs; are mistrustful of authority figures due to repeated abuse; and die on average of 8 years after having been trafficked.

The term prostitute is not only derogatory by implying consent of the victim but it also criminalizes the victim to the exclusion of the client more commonly referred to as a “john” and utterly ignores the role of the trafficker, or “pimp”. From a legal perspective, the weight of criminal punishment has fallen on the shoulders of the victim often attaching to them a long trail of criminal history.  For far too long victims of human trafficking have been marginalized by law enforcement and treated as criminals rather than as victims.  Whether intentional or not, by referring to the trafficked as prostitutes and ignoring how they came to the so-called sex trade, law enforcement often only perpetuate sexual crimes committed against women and children brought to the industry against their will.  For this to change the law must change but first, the issue of human trafficking and what it entails must be clearly identified.

*Don’t miss Part Two: The Mind of the Trafficker to be published next week.

 

Sources:

Bartol, Curt R., & Bartol, Ann M. (2008). Criminal Behavior: A psychological approach (8th ed.). Pearson – Prentice Hall: Upper Saddle River, NJ

Burch, A. (2012). National Reintegration Center for Human Trafficking Victims. Victimology, University of Maryland.

Department of Defense. Trafficking In Persons (TIP). https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:oHNSkT1L6UYJ:ctip.defense.gov/docs/training-TIP-LE.ppt+&hl=en&gl=us&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEESg6JaJ3DPziU8gqTAA31kyq6box8Z5fT1SO-Yhn_7lZxr2gEc4uukZrkG9tU61msAniABD-OzAQ4sRVI_QTZJ2G5bXR0XbvUfmZIPzsEBxfImoEz95Ei-HlOKyhhMYv90zuNqDh&sig=AHIEtbS1sM0WRpwxpK5xC8lkHcCTvMr_gQ&pli=1.

Doerner, William G., & Lab, Steven P. (2008). Victimology (5th ed.). Anderson Publishing: Newark, NJ

Federal Government Efforts to Combat Human Trafficking. (2006). Washington DC: US

Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families: The Campaign to Rescue and Restore Victims of Human Trafficking, the Texas Office of Immigration and Refugee Affairs; Trafficking in-Persons.

http://www.acf.hhs.gov/trafficking/rescue_restore/fed_efforts.html.

International Protocol to Prevent, Suppress, and Punish Trafficking in Persons, especially Women and Children. http://www.uncjin.org/Documents/Conventions/dcatoc/final_documents_2/convention_%20traff_eng.pdf

Milko, F. T. (2007). International Human Trafficking. Transnational Threats: Smuggling and Trafficking in Arms, Drugs, and Human Life. Praeger Security International: Westport, CT.

Polaris Project. (no date). Domestic Sex Trafficking: The Criminal Operations of the American Pimp. A Condensed Guide for Service Providers and Law Enforcement. http://www.dcjs.virginia.gov/victims/humantrafficking/vs/documents/Domestic_Sex_Trafficking_Guide.pdf

ProCon.org. http://prostitution.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=000119 

State Department Annual Trafficking In Persons Report (2004).

Trafficking Victims Protection Act of 2000 (TVPA).

Universal Declaration of Human Rights (1948).

US Department of Health and Human Services. http://www.acf.hhs.gov/trafficking/about/victim_assist.html

Williams, L.M., & Ngo, J.M. (2007). Human Trafficking. In C.M. Renzetti and J.I. Edelson (Eds) Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Violence, Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

© Amy Lynn Burch 2012 – 2020
All Rights Reserved

No part of this work or webpage or any of its content(s) may be reproduced, copied, modified or adapted, without the prior written consent of the author, unless otherwise indicated by the author for stand-alone materials.

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